Born Gay

“Mom, Dad… I’m gay.” Two little words. One controversial statement.
For years homosexuals have been using that same statement as part of their coming out moment. It may be controversial but it is also defining as it is one of the biggest hurdles in a homosexual’s life that they have to eventually jump over and conquer. It’s a statement that puts an end to all other statements, questions, and confusions about a homosexual’s sexuality. It’s a statement that a homosexual believes will provide understanding but find acceptance in the statement itself. It’s a statement that, once breathed, instantly changes a homosexual’s life and, unfortunately, not always for the better.
Who knew such a statement could be so powerful and horrifying at the same time? That statement is one of the many key components to a homosexual’s coming out moment and believe it or not, every homosexual on this earth is inextricably linked to one another. They are all profoundly connected through their coming out moments. It’s a moment unlike any other moment in a homosexual’s life. It’s the moment when the world stops and the spotlight is on them. Each moment is uniquely different and similar in ways. However, before a homosexual musters up the courage and bravery to express who they truly are deep down inside, there is always a story that leads them up to that point.
And this is my story…
I was born a homosexual and I know that in today’s scientifically-obsessed world, some people would need proof of such a theoretical statement. However, the fact of the matter is I knew I was different the moment my brain could retain memories which for me was when I was four years old. Now, being at that young age, I clearly did not know what homosexuality was, however, I found myself to be not necessarily attracted but more drawn to the male scent and

figure. Also, I tended to be more interested in the aspects of my older sisters’ lives and just the lives of girls in general. With that said it’s not that I did not enjoy a boy’s life and washing my little tin car while my father washed his car or playing with G.I. Joe’s and the like. I simply connected more with the female spirit which is why sometimes I would play with dolls or watch my mother put on her makeup.
My parents were obviously not concerned about my gravitational pull toward aspects of the female life because I was a growing boy. They knew it was most likely a phase that I was going through and that it was simply part of being a developing preschooler. However, this so-called phase never receded. It was like the equivalent to the antidote you receive from a shot against hepatitis: always flowing through my body but never appearing on the surface. This phase would be the unforeseeable and powerful connection between my preschooler and teenager stage of life.
This phase foreshadowed the inner-realization I would have to face when I hit puberty…
As I grew up and continued to move forward in elementary school, I found myself living the stereotypical, masculine heterosexual life to a certain extent. I played and watched sports, hung out with my guy friends and developed childish crushes on girls. Of course, those crushes were just that, childish crushes. However, that’s how I was raised. Raised to like girls. When you think about it, parents are conditioned to raise their children as so and it’s not their fault. It’s only human nature to want your child to fall in love with a man or woman, to be able to procreate and continue the human cycle of life. However, that statement would be considered limiting nowadays because we have an abundance of options to continue the cycle of life whether we choose to have children or not. That’s a whole other subject though.
Back to my story. My parents were never against homosexuality. They always told me to accept people for who they are. Homosexuality was simply a topic that wasn’t widely discussed in my small-minded hometown or with my family because it never had to be. Anyhow, amidst all the crushes, sports and guy friends, I found myself once again magnetically pulled to the female spirit. I seemed to always befriend more girls than guys and I never thought anything of it. I just felt more comfortable and more at ease with girls. There was never time where I thought there had to be a reason why I connected more with girls, that is until I walked through the doors of the transformational stage of life which was puberty.
I believe I was about twelve or thirteen years old when I started going through the awkward stage of puberty. Now, we all know what puberty does to the adolescent body but did you know that it can also stimulate the function and development of the brain? I share this with you

to help you better understand the person I became. During puberty, my developing mind finally fed me the answer that I was unaware of before and that would change my life from that moment on. I liked boys. My mind knew this and so did my body as it was sexually maturing. It suddenly dawned on me why I felt more comfortable with girls. We both liked the same sex. This unexpected epiphany made me feel relieved and horrified at the same time. I was going through puberty as a gay adolescent.
How was I to cope with such a life-changing inner-realization?
I denied it. I didn’t want to believe that this was the reason why I felt so different from the other boys. Also, I heard about the horror stories of gay people coming out to their family and friends and the repercussions they endured after telling them they were gay. Therefore, I masked my secret with as much denial as I could. Then, something happened one night at my parents' place that made me never want to come out to anyone. My oldest sister was upstairs in my parents’ bedroom with my parents and I could hear them arguing. I quietly tip-toed into the hallway closet that was beside my parents’ bedroom and I tried to listen in on the heated conversation. I could only hear my mother questioning my sister, “Are you sure? Are you sure?” is all she kept asking. I could hear the tears running down my sister and my mother’s cheeks. My heart was racing as I tried to figure out what they were discussing. My thoughts were put to rest when my sister finally spoke up, “Yes, I am gay.” After that statement, more arguing rolled in like thunder and my sister stormed out of the bedroom. I knew right then and there that my secret and I would stay in that hallway closet forever.
Or at least until after high school…
As I entered secondary school, I found myself once again befriending more girls than guys and because of this the rumour mill began. Rumours are like being thrown into a pack of lions, if you don’t know how to defend yourself, you will get eaten alive. Unfortunately, for me, I was eaten alive. I felt like a piece of me was being bitten off every day and nothing could heal the invisible wounds. I remember the day when an older student called me a fag. That derogatory and highly offensive word took the biggest chunk out of me. I couldn’t believe that someone could be so cruel and so offensive to another human being. There were days where I thought I would never recover from that emotional blow. Of course, no one knew about the insult or the effect it had on me because I kept everything bottled up inside. I don’t recommend practicing that method because since I kept everything inside, my emotions were out of control and that’s when the suicidal thoughts came into play. However, they were only thoughts and they were never put into action because I knew I was better than that.

To this day, I still remember that student’s face and I still carry the emotional scar he inflicted upon me. The scar, however, is a reminder of how I conquered those rumours and that heavy-weighing verbal abuse. What really helped me in dealing with my emotional hell was my friends and family. Even though they had no idea what was occurring in my life, they were always there for me. I truly believe that when things get tough, you have to surround yourself with the people that care and love you the most because they are the ones that will never give up on you no matter what crisis you are enduring. Another thing that helped me get through high school was this profound moment of clarity I had one day. It was almost like an epiphany had shined down on me and dried up all my invisible wounds. I had realized that it was only high school and it wasn’t the end of the world. Who cares what one heartless and insecure student thinks about me? Once high school is over, everyone will see past the labels that you were stamped with. No one will care if you were the jock, the prom queen, the nerd, the loner, or even the fag in high school. None of that matters because after high school you get to start over again and live the life that you always wanted to live.
With that epiphany safely tucked into my soul, I carried on through high school with my head up high and tried to enjoy it as much as I could. I still incessantly continued to deny who I truly was and I tested the dating waters with girls from high school. Clearly, things never progressed into a relationship with a girl because deep down inside I knew it would never work out. There was never a time where I thought I was using each girl for my own selfish experiences. I cared about each one of those girls. I just didn’t care about them the way I was “suppose” to care about them. I decided not to pursue relationships with girls anymore and wait until after high school to see what happens.
One particular post-high school event changed everything…
As I moved away from my small town to pursue my post-secondary studies at a college in a much more populated and open-minded city, I continued to ride the denial train. A part of me always had this underlying and constant fear of what people would think about me if I was to divulge my secret. I knew gay people were not universally accepted at the time and they still aren’t. I also heard the horror stories of what some people do to gay people. Therefore, I kept to my so-called heterosexual life and tried once more to date women. However, as you can clearly guess, dating women did not work again. When I became of legal drinking age, there was one particular night out with my friends that completely turned my world upside down. Every weekend since we became of legal drinking age, my friends and I would test different night clubs. One night we decided to go to the gay bar and a part of me was extremely happy, excited and nervous to be going. We danced, we had drinks and we perused the crowd. After

some time, my friends wanted to go to another bar and I wanted to stay. They left promising to come back for me and I continued dancing. I felt completely comfortable being at that gay bar. It was like that bar was just waiting for me to come out of the closet and walk through their doors. As I was dancing, I suddenly realized that a guy was dancing behind me. I turned around and we both smiled and continued dancing close to one another. At one point, we both looked into each others’ eyes and he pulled me closer to him to kiss me. When our lips touched, it was like I was released from my heterosexual prison and I finally felt at ease within my own skin. That kiss was the ultimate confirmation that I was indeed a homosexual. From that moment on, I knew my life would drastically change and I couldn’t live a double life, at least not with my friends. After the life-changing kiss, I mustered up the courage to divulge my secret to two of my closest friends first. However, I did not reveal the whole truth to them as I told them that I was a bisexual. I still had that underlying fear of what society would think about me if they knew I was gay. For that reason, I told people I was a bisexual because I believed that they would still accept me for the mere fact that even though I liked guys, I also liked girls too... supposedly. My friends were completely supportive of me and I eventually disclosed my secret to the rest of my close friends who were also supportive. To this day, I am truly grateful for the friends that I have because they have always stuck by me and never turned their backs on me. They are what I consider true friends. You know who your true friends are when your friendships with them are put to test such as coming out to them. If they do not support you then they were never your friends to begin with.
My bisexual phase eventually ran its course and I simply considered myself to be a homosexual. I knew that I would encounter struggles and difficult situations being a gay person but I was happy I had my lesbian sister there for support. It was obviously easier to come out to her since she was a gay person herself and it felt comforting to know that I had my own gay support system within my family. Despite that fact, I know that I would have never come out to her if she wasn’t a lesbian. As my gay days continued, I still lived in fear as I didn’t know how to handle my new found life. It was very difficult being the only gay person among my closest friends and usually being the only gay person at the night clubs. It felt like I was constantly being watched by society, like I had some sort of gay mark on me and they knew it. Nonetheless, my fear somewhat subsided as I became an unexpected and unofficial spokesperson for homosexuals. Random people started to ask me questions about my life and about the lives of gay people in general. It was nice to know that I was providing a different perspective to these curious people who knew little information about homosexuals or had a stereotypical opinion of them. It was also a relief to know that I was assisting gay people in removing little by little the stigma that was and still is upon us.

In the face of changing the world one person at a time, I had to deal with my own inner turmoil of keeping the truth of my sexuality from my parents. When my parents would question me about my sexuality, I would always avoid the truth because I was not at the stage where I was completely comfortable with whom I was and also it was just never the right time. Another thing that made me hold my tongue from telling the truth was how my parents would feel about having two gay children out of three. Would society bog them down with a billion questions about their feelings towards their two gay children? I felt like I would impose another burden upon them. My lesbian sister and my friends still advocated that I should reveal the truth to my parents soon. There advice only made me feel worse because I realized that I was torturing myself and that they were right. I had to put my parents’ curious and puzzled minds to rest. They and the rest of my family had eventually accepted my lesbian sister for who she is and now it is never an issue. They love her with all of their hearts and I am forever grateful for the non-judgmental family that I was born into.
Now, you the readers are most likely wondering at this point how I came to tell my parents that I am gay. Well, surprise! You are experiencing my coming out moment right now and therefore, I should finish this article the way I had started it.
Mom, Dad… I’m gay. Now that you know my concealed past and present, I hope you understand that this is the person that I am and have always been. It just took some time for me to discover my true self. I have wanted to share this secret with the both of you for a very long time but I just wasn’t comfortable with this underlying identity I had unmasked. I had to attain that level of comfort and also be proud of the person that I am. I have finally reached that level which is why I am coming out to you now. The reason I chose to come out to you through this article instead of verbally telling you is because I felt like this was the only way I was able to clearly express myself. Through the creativity and power of my words, I wanted you to fully comprehend the person that I am and how I got to this point. I love you both very much and I couldn’t have asked for more caring, loving and accepting parents. Therefore, I hope that you are proud of the person that I am and I can only ask for your acceptance right now because when you look past the sexual orientation I am still your son.
Joel, Ontario