Without a Future Until I Can Unravel the Past

Dear readers,
I am a girl who is 37 in years but feels more like 15. I am romantically attracted to men in so many ways. Their eyes are beautiful, their bodies sensual and attractive, yet my stronger, more erotic and sometimes unhealthy attraction (because it feels more like a disease or obsession), to women is stronger and more passionate. It has existed that way ever since I became sexually attracted to anyone, male or female.
I joined a coming out group when I was 22, and it helped a lot because just being around other lesbians, and bisexuals meant that I am “normal”, ok, accepted in society and that when I got home, I was also seen as okay. Funny enough, I never felt okay at home or in bars whenever I went to them. I felt I couldn't express my attractions, myself or how I felt towards others I was attracted to.
I really wanted my parents to understand that I did not choose to be gay, I just am. Or I kind of call it 75/25 lesbian/heterosexual. It's fluctuated throughout the years and I've had both boyfriends and girlfriends. Most important, I want my parents to look at this website and see how many people are gay in this world, and to read their stories. I also want to learn myself about others because it gives me courage.
I was hospitalized for depression a few times, and that fact embarrasses me when I share it, but unless I do I'm not being honest with myself about how not talking to my parents about what I wanted and how I felt, affected me inside. It ripped me apart to think my usually loving, supportive family, (meaning both my immediate and extended family) were either kept from knowing because of my fear of rejection, or knew, but I never told them. This is why I want my

parents to just look at the PFLAG Canada website. I am petrified of the process and don't know how to ask them to go online because my Mom does not use the computer at all and always needs someone's help to research materials online. I don't know how to ask. Any suggestions?
My confidence and self-love went away the moment I realized I was attracted to my female friends and thought/knew I would lose them if I told them I liked them. I was a closed coffin or book totally untold and unread even though I now know that one of the girls at my school told me she knew I was gay in grade 8 even though I never told anyone. It is no longer a secret.
I feel much more free now than in the past, but still very afraid of showing my feelings to the “world” and scared of sharing my experiences with my parents when they especially ask, “How are you doing, Michelle?” Ok so I am no longer anonymous. Actually that scares me a little, but not too much.
I cried yesterday when a lady asked me, “Are you gay? Have you told your parents? Do they accept you? Why don't you just talk to them? Parents know... and they love you no matter what... they just want to know you're happy.”
In my case, I really am not sure. There are days I believe her... and there are days I don't. I feel religion gets in the way of acceptance. Yet, when I wake up in the morning I am plain old Michelle, the girl my parents have known all along. What has changed?
P.S. I would appreciate some responses to my story oh and my brother knows and is the best brother anyone could ever have. Even though we drive each other crazy sometimes, much of the years we've been family, we still love each other and will look out for each other forever. That is one thing I am sure of...the reason being, we talk...
Michelle, Ontario