Freedom

I cannot express my gratitude for what stories like these have done to make a difference in my life. I cannot explain how grateful I am for all those who are brave enough to share even their innermost thoughts and feelings to help someone else... like me. I hope my story can help another girl, maybe feeling alone, angry, hopeless, feeling like there's no one to talk to and no way to make it better. This is my story.

I don't mean to sound repetitive like I've heard so many others like me: “I knew from a very young age I was different...”, but in a way I did. Not in the same profound way as a lot of these stories describe. I wish things had always been do clear, but the truth is, accepting myself as lesbian has been a difficult journey and a VERY long and complicated process. When I was young I WAS what you'd call different - but I was never much of a tomboy or a kid who enjoyed sports and doing “guy stuff” as I hear so often in stories like mine. I was quirky, a loner and never felt right. It was inexplicable to me - no matter what I did or who I pretended to be I was always excluded. I was the girl who said “weird things” and could never keep up with my girlfriends - all their talk about boys, boys, boys, never interested me. Instead I felt like I was putting on a show or stretching myself to pretend to fit in. I often wondered if I was really seeing the world the way other people did.
My family came to accept that maybe I was just different, not strange or eccentric but just not like the other girls my age. I remember the first time it really began to sink in that I wasn't like my friends, a terrifying and suffocating realization for me.
I was at a yearend camping trip with my elementary school classmates sharing a tent with my friends when the dreaded topic of crushes came up. Curious with my silence and disinterest, I remember my best friend Jessica squinting her eyes at me almost accusingly “Why don't YOU like anyone? What? Are you like one of them?” In my panic I recall blurting out a name of a boy I'd maybe spoken to twice and painfully forcing a smitten grin on my face though I was in agony.
Throughout the rest if my school years I felt I was always forcing myself to pretend to be interested in what my friends were - something I truly regret. It was frustrating and painful and I always felt alone. I realize now that I just never understood my feelings or myself. I was a straight-A prodigy of my parents and I was desperate to be the perfect image they imagined I was. So for years I hid everything, instead of facing my crush for my friend I would become angry and almost disgusted with myself. No one else understood me and I just looked like a crazy, possessive girl which made me feel even worse. I was angry that no matter how hard I tried or prayed when I looked at the “cute” boy all my friends raged over, I felt nothing. Sure I had guy friends, but I could never feel anything beyond that.
I regret pretending so much because after so many years of avoiding my feelings, (being terrified to share a bed at sleepovers, terrified to talk about crushes, and even being terrified to let someone get close to me in case they found out), everyone really believed me, and worst of all I became desperate to believe me too.

Strangely, until this year - my senior year of high school, I couldn't face the truth. All I knew was I always felt empty and it felt like nothing would fill that - the best I can explain it. One day I woke up - finally exhausted and fed up with constantly keeping up the pretence of my latest “crush” - and just let go of it all. All the years of stress and unhappiness, loneliness and regret, and I finally just accepted myself. I had been fighting long enough and the years had taken their toll, but now I was ready to move on - something I wish I could have done sooner.
When I was growing up I never knew there were girls who liked girls - girls like me. I never knew I had an option. My dad’s family was always homophobic and prejudiced and I always thought what I was feeling was blasphemous or wrong. I wish now, at almost 18, I could have just realized the truth. I'm okay. I'm not going to hell. Why would a loving god who creates us in his image and condemns hatred make me the way I am?
I’m proud of the progress I have made in the last few months, from accepting, “I like girls” to “ok, I'm gay”. I tried to tell my mom, (who is very loving and supporting of my gay half-brother), but I panicked last minute and instead told her I think I'm bi... But my brother knows and is there for me and loves me no matter what.
I think the most important (and difficult) step was to come out to myself. But I'm so happy and relieved that I can be myself. I have learned so much about myself and become such a strong person and I hope my story can inspire someone else struggling as I have open the door to a much happier, fulfilling life.
I wanted to share my story so maybe I can help another girl in my situation make her coming out a lot less stressful and difficult by making the mistakes I did. No one should have to face the years of psychological stress and would-have-been damage I had to. You don’t have to force yourself to be something else because someone tells you that’s the way you ought to be. Trust me, once you are free and you can truly breathe and be yourself it's the most powerful, wonderful feeling in the world.
KC, Alberta